


Malfeasance

by Frostberry



Category: Naruto
Genre: Cocaine, M/M, Suicide mention, TW: Drugs, hidan is a cunt, kakuzu is an asshole in this one, they are police officers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 15:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15294828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Hidan and Kakuzu are partners in the police force where they try to outdo each other when it comes to being the most corrupt cop. Soulmate AU fic.





	Malfeasance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HidansCrazyLaugh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/gifts).



[ MALFEASANCE ]

[ Hidanscrazylaugh’s prompt for Naruto Gift Exchange ]

Malfeasance  
Pronunciation: malˈfiːz(ə)ns  
Definition: wrongdoing, especially by a public official.  


***

“Kakuzu, I will pay you one thousand ryō to snort cocaine off that bench,” said Hidan, kicking a duck out the way as they walked through the country park, looking confident as shit walking in line with his partner, Kakuzu. Wearing identical dark blue police jackets and pants, Kakuzu had a bulletproof vest on with a belt full of weapons, while Hidan only had a broken baton somewhere on him. 

Hidan took off his aviators and grinned. 

“No.” Kakuzu wanted nothing to do with his partner’s occasional drug use. Hidan, obviously, was pretty fucking bored. However, they’d been together long enough for Kakuzu to realise he could get something out of Hidan’s wallet almost anytime he wanted. Hidan wasn't exactly the brightest leaf on the tree. 

“Two thousand ryō.” Hidan offered. “Two thousand ryō to sniff that white shit up your stupid stitchy nose. From that bench.” He nodded down to the wooden bench, donated by some old person with a plaque and was covered in duck shit. 

“Three thousand,” said Kakuzu, rolling up his sleeves, where there were scabs and scratches on his left arm. His wedding ring, permanently attached to his finger like a tattoo, had the most scab marks from trying to dig it off. Hidan nodded. “You have a deal.” 

“Done.” 

Hidan went through pockets on his uniform, removing what seemed like several hundred receipts, a tooth and finally picking out a small ziplock bag, small but classy, with a little sticker of a venus flytrap on the front with a smiley face. He did not care that there were children around in the park, playing on their scooters and mothers shouting at toddlers who were chasing after geese. After marrying Kakuzu he discovered that he was a massive money hungry scab, who would do anything for a wad of cash. 

When they met to be registered as spouses down at the local Kage office, Kakuzu didn’t even wear a suit, as he couldn’t afford one. Hidan, on the other hand, had been living off life insurance from being almost decapitated several years ago. This meant Hidan had plenty of money for beer, cocaine, virgins and, most importantly, bribing his partner into snorting said cocaine.

He scratched the scar on his neck absentmindedly, a habit he picked up after his near beheading. “Ah, I forgot.” 

Getting out a metal spoon which could be used for meth, Hidan dabbed the end of the spoon into the bag, got a little bit out, and put it on the bench.  

“Aren’t you supposed to do a line?” 

“What are you? Some fucking celebrity in the movies?” said Hidan, not even noticing a bunch of teens on skateboards watching the officers do illegal as fuck shit in public. “No. Nobody has time to get the credit card out and do a perfect line. Not like you know what a credit card looks like. Now get that shit in your nose.” 

“You still owe me three thousand ryō,” Kakuzu reminded him before getting onto his - ouch - old knees and doing the tiny, tiny line Hidan had provided. He wiped a bit of excess white off his nose when he was done. “Hand over your wallet.” 

“Yeah, hang on. We’re on a double shift, so I need extra,” Hidan opened the little plastic bag again, and then managed - somehow - to sniff  _ all  _ of the remaining white powder up his nose. Kakuzu was still amazed at how Hidan managed to be alive, after being married to this insane man for eleven years. Hidan felt everything from Kakuzu’s left arm, while Kakuzu felt everything on Hidan’s right. Hence why both of them had on their arms scars that would never heal from stabbing, harming and scratching the other in retaliation. 

***

On their next shift, they were on highway patrol. The safety camera was clipped to the rolled down window waiting for cars on the mostly empty road to go past. Hidan was tapping his pen on the glovebox irritatedly, while Kakuzu read the newspaper. They were in their usual police car on the side of the empty long highway that connected Konoha to Suna. “How’s Asuma? Has he finally kicked the fuckbucket yet?” Hidan pushed the pen through the foam of the dashboard, and twisted it so there was a little hole. It was the first time they’d spoke for forty minutes, a clear record for Hidan who never shut the fuck up.

Kakuzu grunted. “Still alive in the basement.” 

Kakuzu’s favourite way to collect money was ‘finding’ missing people that were on the milk carton he had with his morning coffee each morning. He would get hundred thousand ryō reward from the Sarutobi family just by dumping Asuma in a lake and finding him several months later as a pile of bones. 

Hidan sighed, closed his eyes and banged his head on the dashboard several times. “Can’t someone  _ just  _ come along and speed...” 

The radar beeped as the person driving past in an orange Lamborghini in a 110kph zone was going 111. They flicked the siren on. Within several seconds, the car pulled over to the side of the road. Hidan was the first one out, slamming the door. Kakuzu, slowly filling out the required paperwork, followed him.

“I have to book both of you for having the most  _ gayest  _ car in existence for the most  _ gayest  _ pair of twats on this god-forsaken earth. Look at this fucking car. Not even the third  _ Hokage _ would put his dick near this exhaust-”

“Hidan, just stop talking,” Kakuzu interrupted, and looked down at the two passengers, one with dark hair, and another that was blond. He recognized the dark haired driver as a scowling Uchiha, and looked at his ID when he handed it over. “Are you aware, Mr. Uchiha, you were going one kilometre over the speed limit, which is why we had to stop you?” 

“How do you know I’m a Uchiha?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes. 

Kakuzu nodded towards the huge Uchiha fan decal on the vomit-orange Lamborghini. The blond next to him, obviously his soulmate, chuckled and rubbed his hair looking apologetic. “Sorry officer. Sasuke will never do that again-” 

Hidan grabbed the passenger by the - orange - shirt. “Listen cunt,” he hissed as his eyes widened and he gulped. “We’ve been waiting for someone to speed for the past forty-one minutes. This is our second  _ fucking  _ shift and I’m tired of you cunts breaking the law.” Hidan paused. “Actually I don’t care. I’m high as fuck right now.” He pushed Naruto back into the passenger seat, scribbled out a speeding ticket and plastered it on his head. “Let’s go, Kakuzu.” 

Naruto and Sasuke left, totally bewildered that they had to pay a fine. 

***

Their double shift was long and boring. Hidan spent most of it snoring loudly in the passenger side of the police car. Before going back to the station, Kakuzu decided to be a real cop and order through the Do-Nuts drive thru. When they got back to the office, however, he put the remaining donuts that they hadn’t eaten into the work freezer. 

“You’re such a frugal scab,” said Hidan, throwing open the freezer door to take the last one out. “Why are you a fucking cop?” 

“I make plenty of money on the side.” 

“Yeah I’ve seen your shitty eBay collection.” 

“That’s because you live with me.” 

Hidan scoffed and looked down at his arm. “Only because we’re soulmates.” He took one perfectly sharpened nail, and purposefully scratched hard. Kakuzu’s left arm twitched, and, under the long shirt Hidan knew (with glee) that there was beads of blood appearing.

Unfortunately, this was a common occurance to Kakuzu. It didn’t occur to him to chop his arm off, but it was annoying that his arm had to remind him of Hidan. This meant during Hidan’s pissy emo teenage phase, Kakuzu could feel everything he did to himself, including taking a razor to his arm after a bad breakup with his girlfriend, injuring him enough to get hospitalised. 

When Hidan woke up, there was a big, mean police officer glaring down at him. He was practically dripping with rage, and had a large bandage on his arm. 

Hidan had gulped as the man grabbed him by the hospital gown and threatened to kill him if he ever did that stupid shit again. Hidan didn’t see him again until he went entered Police Academy with Shikamaru and Temari. 

***

Speaking of Shikamaru and Temari, they had turned up to cover the next shift over from them. They had obviously come in early, as Shikamaru was asleep on the couch and Temari was on the computer writing up Shikamaru’s reports. Kakuzu had fucked off with the three thousand ryō somewhere - probably to the bank maybe, Hidan wasn’t quite sure. He stood around before rounding on Shikamaru. 

“You’re a lazy fuck, you know that?” Hidan pointed out, getting the cushion out from underneath Shikamaru’s head and throwing it hard enough that it would hit his face and make the back of his neck connect with the hard bit of the couch. “Getting Temari to write your shit, you know?”  

“Hidan,” said Temari. He shut up at once, as Temari was scary as fuck. “...be quiet and go get us a cup of tea.” 

***

“...Whenever he drinks his tea, he always puts the little twist in the napkin which is such  _ an old thing _ . He also has a tea cup with a beard thing in it. And he owns a FUCKING sudoku book. Such fucking bullshit, why couldn’t my soulmate be like Konan? Just kinda  _ nice _ , you know, not like, if I actually need help for something, you don’t go and not give a shit.”

Temari and Shikamaru glanced up from their own cups of tea. Hidan tended to use them as marriage counsellors. “Why is it all you seem to do is whinge about Kakuzu when you live in the same house, and same bed?” asked Temari. 

“Destined to hate each other, how troublesome.” Shikamaru supplied. 

“Same bed because it’s the  _ fucking  _ law.” Hidan thought it was a pretty bullshit law. The government based most civil laws around soulmates, and even spied on people to ensure they shared the same bed as their soulmate.

Temari had made home made dango, but with a different texture. It was crumbed in some sort of sweet and salty texture before being put on a skewer and drenched into mitarashi sauce **.**

“What if we aren’t actually soulmates? God fucked up the system,” Hidan was saying. He picked up a stick of dango, almost wishing that Kakuzu should have been a hardass housewife that was a great cook. Shikamaru looked slightly bored and uncomfortable, as he and Temari were atheists. “He doesn’t believe in Jashinism, doesn’t clean, he doesn’t do the dishes…”

“He probably doesn’t do  _ your  _ dishes,” Temari pointed out. 

There was a pause from Hidan, which meant it was probably true. “We share our crockery.” 

***

Sometimes Hidan and Kakuzu managed to get away from the other. Occasionally there was a shift swap in the office. Temari had to go to Suna for a meeting with the Kazekage that weekend, so Hidan got to work with Shikamaru. 

However usually when Hidan was on night shift with Shikamaru, Kakuzu would use his well-sharpened nail to scratch out  _ pay your bill  _ or  _ your stupid jashinist witnesses have been over again  _ to which Hidan would stab his right arm with his broken baton to get him to stop writing. He wished that Kakuzu used a pen to write instead of a fingernail.

***

Working on the long stretch of the Konoha-Suna highway, which was home to several poisonous snakes and one or two camels, roadway patrol was very boring. At the moment, Shikamaru was staring at the thunderstorm coming in to pour onto the desert landscape silently in the night. The moon wasn’t out, and Hidan was reading his usual scripture. 

“How do I become a proper soulmate?” Hidan had managed to avoid reading the book of Momoshiki and the book of Kaguya, which had the verses and stories about the Jashinistic ways of soulmates. But he was bored enough to start now. He turned the light off of the roof, so the brightness of the Milky Way weakly illuminated them. It reminded him of the Ootsutsuki Clan, who were the creators of the Jashin religion in the first place. They came from outer space - which sounded pretty bullshit to most people, but not to Hidan. There was a deep rumble of the storm coming towards them. 

Shikamaru didn’t even look at him. “What?” 

“How am I supposed to - ugh -  _ love -  _ someone I barely know? We’ve never talked about ourselves.” 

“It’s an arranged marriage.” said Shikamaru bluntly. “Designed to force one to love another.” 

“Are you in love with Temari? What a load of bullshit.” 

“Well,” said Shikamaru, who cleared his throat, “We have a kid.” 

“So? Loads of kids have parents that don’t love each other.” 

“Shikadai is lucky, in that sense,” Shikamaru paused. “Hidan, don’t even think about having children with Kakuzu.” 

“Fuck you, I’d make a great father.” 

***

While Hidan worked the midnight shift, Kakuzu went to bed and discovered that Hidan had put the quilt over the sheets, crumpled over the right side of the bed they shared against their will. Hidan had slashed a knife halfway down the mattress, claiming that was where Kakuzu could not cross the line. 

Kakuzu planned to sleep like a rock that night. Finally, he could rest without Hidan who snored and made his life annoying. While they were a good partners, he still wasn’t sure about the soulmate thing: Though they had to work together, they were complete opposites. Because the law was law. Kakuzu was the sort to fix it, and Hidan was the sort to break it. 

***

As it turned out, Kakuzu didn’t sleep that great last night. He wasn’t really used to sleeping in a quiet bedroom. He got up early, made himself a boiled egg, then went down to the basement to check on Asuma. He was now officially dead, skin cold as ice. 

The next step in Kakuzu’s masterplan to get a hundred thousand ryō was dumping Asuma in the lake near their usual highway patrol pitstop. More rains was coming in for the upcoming winter months, which would fill the dried lakes up. Asuma would be weighed down until summer came around in six months time. The lakes would then dry up and all there would be a grotty looking body picked apart by hungry tadpoles. Kakuzu would get a reward for finding the corpse. 

Before doing that, however, Kakuzu needed to measure the amount of water in the lakes before dumping the body. He untied Asuma, got rid of the bike lock around his neck which he used for occasional strangling. He was about to put the body in the large freezer when he felt something warm and wet on his arm. Usually Kakuzu associated that with Hidan being in the shower, but it wasn’t water droplets. 

He looked down, to find that Hidan was writing in blood. Kakuzu’s cold heart froze - there was something wrong. Hidan’s usually messages were written with a pen or a nail. A set of numbers appeared over his scars. 

Immediately, Kakuzu recognised them as a set of coordinates. Somewhere in between Suna and Konoha obviously - something must  _ definitely  _ be wrong. Kakuzu couldn’t actually feel or empathise with Hidan, but it was his duty to figure out what was going on, as his partner in the force - and, more importantly, his soul mate. 

Kakuzu got in his car and put the location into the GPS, finding that it was the usual spot where he and Hidan parked their car during patrol. It was pouring with rain when Kakuzu left, so Asuma came along, in a rolled up bag in the trunk. 

Going over the speed limit in his car because he was a police officer and did whatever he wanted, he drove for the next half an hour until he saw a flash of something in the distance. Kakuzu wasn’t exactly panicking, but when he drove closer he saw that the patrol car was on fire. 

Crackling filled the air, and Kakuzu recognised it as a lightning strike had obviously hit the front of the car and caused an explosion. Shikamaru was lying nearby, unconscious, clothes singed and a few spots of fire around him. He was already covered in burns, but he wasn’t in any immediate danger. Hidan, on the other hand - 

The scar on his neck had opened, blood splattering the asphalt. Hidan’s finger was still touching the last number of the coordinates stained on his arm. Kakuzu bent down, and peered at his pale’s partner’s face, and flicked a a pink eyelid open with his thumb and forefinger. 

He was alive. 

“Don’t worry, Kakuzu,” Hidan whispered, a weak hand coming up to feel his face. “I’m pretty high right now. I’m also immortal. Can you get a doctor?”  

“You’re not immortal, you’re a fucking moron,” Kakuzu said, getting out his phone to call over an ambulance. “You’ll get through this.” 

Hidan smiled. It was his first true smile. “That’s my husband.” 

“But before that, I have to go dump a body.” 

***

The helicopter arrived fast to airlift the two officers to hospital. Shikamaru was released from the hospital first, and given instructions to apply aloe vera to his burns for a while. Hidan’s neck wound was stitched back up, and - thanks to the fantastic benefits of the police force - he received even more life insurance, making Kakuzu’s wage look like he was getting underpaid compared to him. He even managed to get a begrudging kiss out of Kakuzu, who was a  _ little  _ bit worried about his partner. After that, their relationship improved. Kakuzu upgraded from nail to marker. Hidan wasn’t as big of a prick as he used to be, and tried to put a little bit of effort into their relationship, which worked. 

Hidan considered stitching up the mattress, but decided against it, as it had sharp springs on it.

There were now more scratches in  _ other  _ places on them now, and both of them were alright with with those. 


End file.
